So this post is a result of recently watching half of the
movie “Bridesmaids”, reading a powerful blog post “The Sexy Wife I Can’t Be”, and thinking about the parable of the man who hired laborers for his
vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). You
don’t have to have seen the movie—I’ll explain the scene I’m thinking of—but
reading that blog post and that parable might be helpful. In short, “The Sexy Wife I Can’t Be” is about
a marriage conference at her church and how she, as a woman who has suffered
sexual abuse, responds. The parable is
the one where the owner of the vineyard hires workers at the start of the day
and agrees on the standard day’s wages for them. Then he goes out several more times
throughout the day to hire more people, and tells them that he will pay them
whatever is right. When he pays everyone
at the end of the day, he pays the ones who were hired last and who worked the
shortest amount of time, first, and he pays them the standard day’s wages. When he gets to paying those who worked first
and the entire day, they thought they were going to get more, but they get paid
the standard day’s wages. They start to
grumble, and the owner says, “Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius [a
day’s wage]? Take what belongs to you
and go. I choose to give to this last
worker as I give to you. Am I not
allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?”
Our expectations stem from what we believe that we are
owed. What am I owed?
When it comes to sex, what am I owed? Our culture teaches that sex is about
self-fulfillment. Culture’s expectation
is that your partner must meet your needs.
There is a scene in “Bridesmaids” where the main characters are on a
plane to Las Vegas. Rita, a bawdy
discontented wife, is talking with Becca, a soft spoken conservative wife, and
is aghast at finding out that Becca’s only sexual experience has been with her
husband. The scene is presented such
that not knowing “what you want” is so foreign as to be comedic.
In contrast, the church teaches abstinence and emphasizes purity. And I agree with this approach to
sexuality. But purity can be preached to
the exclusion of grace. The message that
sex is worth the wait can be hounded so as to produce a response of fear,
shame, and hopelessness. A moment of
weakness from which you can never recover.
Or the choice was taken from you in an abuse that you had no power to
stop. (Another good blog post is “The Day I Turned in My V-Card”.)
I’m guessing that both
sides set up false expectations. They
both place the focus on self and what the self can either get out of it or what
the self must do. Culture’s expectation
is that you are owed “the best” and it is your right to search until you find
it. This unfortunately dooms you to
forever searching. The church’s expectation,
whether intended or not, is that if like in the parable you bear the heat of
the day and remain sexually pure, it will be worth the wait and your efforts
will be rewarded with fabulous married sex.
This unfortunately sets up a culture of fear and shame, and a rude awakening
that healthy sexuality—within marriage—will still take work.
The proper place for
sex is inside the marriage covenant.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church—and is a great
mystery (Ephesians 5:31-32). Do you know that God made about 350,000
species of beetles? And no snowflake is or
will ever be copied? Think about how each
of our finger prints of the current 7 billion living humans is different. That’s 70 billion different combinations of loops,
whorls, and arches! If God is that into
uniqueness and creativity, why do we think that we could have correct expectations
or predictions about the consummation of the deepest human covenant? God is the giver of all good gifts. Gift cards and form letters aren’t good
gifts! And that's what expectations are--generic gift cards and form letters. Good gifts keep the person
receiving the gift in mind and they are unique to that person.
Don’t put expectations of any kind on people—but especially
of sex. So if you're teaching, be mindful that there is probably diversity in your audience. On an individual level, don’t listen to culture’s
demands that you explore and experiment to find the perfect partner who will
always satisfy your desires. You don't know what they are! Trust your Creator to give you a good gift. Also, don’t
take up the shame that if you didn’t wait until marriage for sex or if that
choice was taken from you, what was worth the wait will never be. You can never go where Grace will not reach and heal you.
Part of a good gift is the mystery of
it. The union between man and wife in
marriage is a mystery and a gift. Your
Father knows how to give good gifts. Trust Him.
Don’t pick up expectations.
Put down the ones you have. I
have to and have been putting down dread.
What do you have to put down? Any
married folk want to offer insight or maybe correct me? :o)
